Annoyingly Peppy Recently
sbeverlyf
Hello LiveJournal,

For once it has been under a year but still quite a large time gap, huh? I actually keep this tab on my phone and let it stare at me whenever I go to open a new tab, but I hardly have the time to write a proper entry. I'm going into my last week of finals and right after... I'm going to Europe!

My depression has been in remission for months now and, let me tell you, it is one of the greatest feelings ever. I notice things that make me happy in a way I hadn't noticed before. They make me so happy, I sometimes cry from joy and not sadness. It makes me want to cry just typing these words out. My anxiety on the other hand still lingers a bit, reminding me and keeping me in fear of what may happen if my depression comes back. Dealing with both at the same time is much harder. Dealing with one isn't quite as bad. I can push it aside or even sometimes, I can tell it to shut up because it's wrong. I'm still fighting that battle like an evenly matched game of tug of war.
On a lighter note, I have a job interview on Monday which I hope I will get. And if I don't, I hope I can find another one soon after I arrive back from Europe as I won't have much time before the trip after this interview. This one is at a farm and it is a summer camp. They are looking for people who specialize in certain subjects, preferably sports for a lot but also things like art and science. So I may get to use the art education skills I have been learning while working with kids again (the mischievous and loveable little monsters ❤️) and being surrounded by animals! I would also get weekends off. If not that job, hopefully one similar to it. I have to work full time or at least close to it to save up for my move to Southern California.

I'm still looking at cities to live in. Los Angeles has more people around my age and consequently much more to do. But San Diego seems a bit more down to earth and a little less smoggy. Both will be about as expensive as Seattle except now I will be on my own. My sister got into her program and I am super proud of her. She will stay in Seattle while doing the program. It's a bit discouraging as we have never been so far apart before and we will both be on our own (although she will at least have our aunts and uncles up here). Unless I can find my old relatives on the Lerma side that all resided in SoCal when I was 10 years old, I really won't know or have any close friends or family when I go. It will be an experience. At least my cat shows no signs of dying yet so I won't be completely alone. Oh yes, you may be confused as in my last post Alyssa was coming with me. She was worried she wouldn't have the funds after being in Europe for a month and decided it would be best to stay. Her and Britney will be living together in Phoenix for at least a year. Like I have said a million times, I was prepared for news like that so I am not angry and I am happy two of my friends will get to be roommies as well.

I still have about two years of school left which seems horrible but it could be worse I suppose. It means I will be starting my career at 26, and hey that's still young, right? People are waiting until near 40 to even have kids these days if they even want them at all. Sweet, little Savannah would wag her finger at me, wondering why I don't already own my zoo at 22 and why I don't have a ring on my finger and a pregnant belly. I wanted to start a family early like my mom did, except on purpose. And 22 was still a bit older than she was when she got pregnant with my sister and then me.

I remember since I was a kid, all I have ever wanted was a family. I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to raise the most caring, kind humans this world has ever seen. I wanted them to grow up and create world peace somehow. No matter what I said I wanted to be - a zookeeper, a marine biologist, a teacher, a singer, a member of the UN, or a superhero - one thing always remained consistent: I wanted to be a mom.
And I still do want to be a mom. Even if it is in an unconventional way. I was hoping to fall in love with a dashing young man, the kind you would read about in books, who understood my heart and was humorous and compassionate and courageous. And yet, here we are in the reality of 2017. To be fair, child me also wished that as we grew old together, he would start looking like the plump, balding fathers in television sitcoms. No longer a Prince Charming, but a king who treasured and protected and loved his family without hesitation. That seems a bit more plausible but funny enough, that situation seemed less likely to me back then.
I wouldn't mind being a single mom of an adopted child or even to a child I had through artificial insemination. It would be very tough I am sure, but having children and a family of my own is something I want to do, with or without a man. Preferably with one, I haven't completely given up in that department though I have been left utterly discouraged as of late. I cannot explain why I want children so badly. It got worse when I had that dream that I was pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, with crystal blue eyes and hair dark as my own. I held her so tight, I didn't want to let go. I watched her age slowly from infant to toddler and then suddenly, I woke up. I searched my bed for her before realizing it was all a dream and started crying. I loved her so much. So much that I can't imagine how much I would have loved her if she were real. I'd like to think she is real and that she will be in all of my future children.

AyAyAy

How did I end up talking about this kind of thing for so long?! My point to this entry was to explain that I am at a great point in life right now, despite the few step backs and obstacles thrown in my way. (I didn't tell you how I feel I lost my Washington friends. One or more of them was a toxic friendship that I am glad to be out of, the others were unfortunate casualties that were necessary for my happiness to remain in tact.) I look forward to all my adventures this year, as frightening as some may seem.

Who knows? My next entry may be after I have already moved and I am just sad and lonely in my new place, not knowing what to do.
Hopefully I won't be too sad though! (Future me, don't worry! Things always look up eventually. Life is a rollercoaster right? It goes up and down and up and down. The next up will come around soon enough!)

Love,
Savita hmmm Savie... Sav... Savannah. Idk I am getting more into my heritage lately, I thought adding "ita" to Savie would be cute like little Savie 😂
...Okay you wench, I know you are probably thinking May 2017 you is ridiculous so how about this:

-Savannah signing off.

Ps - might start that blog this summer..

Grandma Said Write Stuff Out 👊🏼
sbeverlyf
Hello, my LiveJournal that is piblic but only read by me :)

Hello, my journal that I apparently only write in every 6-12 months.

It's been a while again, hasn't it? I am always busy or something. People tell me I'm not actually busy, I just can't manage time. But time doesn't exist anyway so who cares..

I just read over my entry from January and it made me want to cry a little, I must admit. I feel so different now and all the time my moods are weird it seems. I was so in love back then and happy but sad because I had left the one I loved. I must say that it was definitely one of the hardest things I have ever done. It plunged me into a depression that had already been looming behind me my whole life, finally consuming me whole. I had never been so depressed. I had never fully recognized my many demons of how big they had grown from childhood to adulthood. How could I have ignored them this long? How do I go back to ignoring them? Sure, it might be better to face them but right now I think I'm still too weak. Back when I ignored them for the most part, I had only thought about suicide when I got depressed but literally only the thought of it before quickly dismissing it, saying I could never. Here now, as a 21 year old woman, I have looked up bridges just in case I want to go through with more than the thought. I have wished I was good at swallowing pills so I could just go that way. I have taken that thought further.

Now most of the time presently, I am better. I had been taking some happy pills when I first moved here so maybe that's why I wasn't already looking up bridges on my way up here in January. After a while, it didn't feel like they were working. I felt emotional numbness and sadness and that was all I could feel. I went on dates and felt nothing. Alex, who apparently goes by Daniel again now, had told me in February (literally only a month and a half after moving) that I needed to move on and I was really trying. But I couldn't feel happy. Not with another random guy. So I stopped dating, I still had no friends, and their was constant turmoil at work. I cried a lot. I wished I was dead a lot. I wished I could travel time and maybe go back or maybe go forward. I wished I could live on my happy little cloud away from this world.

I don't know how long I stayed in that exact pit of darkness. I think it was for a good 5 or 6 months. And then I was no longer sad, just numb. I had started school by then so maybe I had a distraction. But school would later cause me more grief and self doubt. Eventually, I felt something slightly different from numbness in a positive way, but still very close to numb. Like a fresh corpse, still warm from the life who had barely escaped it. I decided I should try dating again. Maybe this feeling was a sign I could start feeling happy and share that happiness with someone else, right?

So I went on a couple more dates. One of the guys was really nice and on a decent level of nerdom for me. I had gone on a date before with a guy who didn't know the difference between Marvel and DC, and then called me a nerd for explaining it to him. What a joke hahaha Amyway, I am still seeing this nice guy of acceptable nerdom but can't decide how I feel. It's been two months now and sometimes I feel happy with him or when he texts me...and other days I think it'd be quite alright if we never spoke or saw each other again. I guess I am still battling some demons and dealing with the numb. It is slowly fading I'm sure as I don't feel quite the way I felt before.

I decided that since my feelings have changed (although I'm not sure what to) that I may try to have an adult conversation with and regain a friendship with Daniel. It may be hard if he ignores me like he would before. A couple/few months ago, I tried to ask how he was but I must have still had some feeling because when he ignored me, I got super pissed and deleted him off my FB friends. I doubt I would get that upset now. He hasn't talked to or cared for me in so long it seems like he was never real or mine to begin with. Might as well pretend it never happened if the other person ignores your existence, right? That's kind of the opposite of what I said I wanted in my previous post. "I don't want to forgot." And "I am so happy to have had the chance.." or something. Like I said, in love me was pretty cute and happy-go-lucky. Until she realized she was in unrequited love. Ouch. Now she's some stone cold person just starting to feel the warmth of the sun again. We'll see how long it last before another transformation takes hold of me.

Alyssa still seems like she wants to move with me to California but there is still a decent amount of time before that plans goes underway. She could bail on me for a guy. And I told her that would be perfectly okay. I just want happiness for her. And everyone else. But for some reason this place doesn't allow everyone happiness all the time. It has to be balanced out with sadness. I hope someone has been super happy all year and that I am balancing it out for them so they don't have to feel the sadness I felt earlier this year.

On a BRIGHTER note: I am not always sad. It has just been one hell of a year. I am learning things about myself I never knew. I didn't know I was hiding things from myself under these layers. I didn't know that was possible. I have to keep powering through this life jounrey if I ever want to hold my children in my arms. That's what keeps me going most of the time. If there is something for me to cling to, I wouldn't worry too much about me.

Also, hope we don't die over the next four years after the election. Good luck, America.

Goodnight world.

Page 2...1 of 365
sbeverlyf
Dear LiveJournal or whoever,

SO obviously I have not been writing an entry every day like I wanted to. I just get really busy. Instead, I have decided to update my LiveJournal monthly and then write something anywhere every day. What I mean by that is I want to write something for myself, not for school every day, whether it is a poem, a song, a journal entry, a short story, a long story, a paragraph or a sentence. I just need to write! Get my creative juices flowing again. I just started classes again at MCC and am finally in a journalism class. Reading the book for the class has made me realize how happy I am with the major. Updates at the end of the month, I have to go to the gym now!

Bye~
-Savie B

Page 1 of 365
sbeverlyf
Dear Journal,

Wow, I really haven't written a journal entry for quite a while. A whole year. This year I am going to write something every day, or at least try to, whether it be big or small. I suppose I have a lot to write about tonight to catch up my future self or whoever else may be reading this.

I now live in Mesa, Arizona with my good friend, Alyssa. I am attending MCC for a degree in journalism. Journalism is a great major and it would be one of my dreams to be a journalist (one more like music and entertainment, it'd be really cool to be a talk show host like Ellen but that's more a communications major I suppose). To be honest, I've always had this dream of being some sort of star, most likely a singer but I am no Whitney Houston or Christina Aguilera, though I am not bad either. Maybe more of a Taylor Swift kind of voice though I would not be as great of a songwriter as her; she has quite the talent. Her new album 1989 came out in 2014 (I almost wrote this year but technically it is not 2014 anymore). But enough on that. I just don't really believe in myself that I could make it. I feel like if someone else believed in me, it'd be easier to believe in myself but then again people find it hard to believe in someone who doesn't believe in themself. Anyways, onto something else (it'd be cool to be a dancer too...there goes my undiagnosed ADD/ADHD).

Let me tell you the story of the 2014 to 2015 NYE in Mesa.
First off, we paid way too much money on tickets to Mill Ave considering it was freezing cold and we didn't even stay for the count down. We ended up going home with a bunch of Alyssa's Dutch friends, one of which clinged to me like barnacles on a ship all night. This guy was nice, somewhat attractive, and a bit strange and in the beginning of the night I already knew he liked me so I gave the benefit of the doubt and tried to have a good time even with him draped around me. Then, things were getting clearer in my mind and I started thinking about someone else who I should have never thought of considering we barely talked before and he only followed me back on one social media site (yes, that is society these days). So then I really wasn't feeling it but I gave the guy a pity midnight kiss. It wasn't necessarily bad but I just didn't feel anything and was basically wondering when it would be a socially acceptable time to end the kiss. Apparently it was magical for him though because he drunkenly bragged about it many times. Then Alyssa left because she had drama between two of the guys and Cassie and I had to clean up the mess and kick people out. Which our last guests FINALLY left at 3am. The nice but clingy guy I felt nothing for new I was tired and told me to go to bed quite a few times, never forgetting to add in that he would go with me but obviously I didn't let that happen. So yeah...New Years was a bit of a bust but the year can only get better.

Alyssa and I are trying to get Cassie to move to Southern California with us so we'll see how that plays out. I dropped Cassie off at her mom's and am now crashing at my sister's new place. I brought her popcorn chicken and an Oreo blast and we watched How to Train Your Dragon 2. Then she dyed my tips purple (a touch up) and we talked about life. I love her.

I have an iPhone. Alyssa has a cat. My life is still a mess but I am along for the ride and am trying to find all the puzzle pieces to complete the puzzle.

Goodnight...err...morning now that it's 12:26am on the 2nd? Nah, still goodnight. ❤️

Don't Let Me Get Me
sbeverlyf
Dear LiveJournal,

I am sooo tired right now but I'll try to get this all typed. Wednesday was Ash Wednesday; today it is Saturday. I figured out what I'm going to do for Lent. I'm not giving up anything this year because my only real bad habit (that I and my mom/friends are aware of) is eating junk food. But I also go to the gym about 2 to 3+ times a week and I have a wicked fast metabolism. I'll give up junk food for Lent when I reach 130 lbs ;). I mean, I'm only a measly 110 lbs now. So back to what I'm doing for lent; I'm going to go places by myself at least every two weeks.

You see, I really hate going out alone. If a friend or family member can't go somewhere with me, then I won't go. Even for the simplest tasks like picking up a prescription, getting gas, etc. I'm very dependent. It probably has to do with my shyness or visa versa(or however that is spelled). I just thought about it - and maybe I over-analyzed as girls often do - and I think the reason I hate going places by myself is because I'm not comfortable with myself.

For example, a couple weeks ago I was out at dinner with my sister, her boyfriend, my mom, and my stepdad. I was talking about how I was trying to eat more to gain weight because I want to be between 115 and 120 lbs. They - "they" being the boys, mom and sis didn't say much - said it really isn't hard to gain weight. All you have to do is eat and they hate how people can eat so many calories when they have to eat so little to lose weight. Yes, I get that gaining weight is super hard, I said. But gaining weight is just as hard for people who have been stick skinny for so long. I can't eat a whole half of another meal after I'm full from a regular size meal. Sure, I can stuff in some more bites, but only so many more before I want to puke it all up because I'm so full (you know, the kind of full where you don't want anyone to poke you?). And I hate puking, it's SO gross. Let me just say that the reason I'm so small is my age and metabolism, I don't have an eating problem -_- My grandma thought I was bulimic once and I was thinking, eewwww, that's gross and I would never do that. So...yeah. Anyways, I was getting tagged teamed by those boys, basically saying I'm a baby who has no excuse or something. I tried to be strong but my insecurities got the best of me. I got up, went to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I try, I really do. I don't want to hate myself this way. I want to be happy, really happy, with myself. I'm usually a very happy, optimistic person. Just not about my appearance. My mom says I'm too hard on myself. Maybe it's true, but maybe I have to be.

I've never really thought I was very pretty. I don't have big breasts, in fact I only have A's. I wish I had at least B's. I don't have a huge acne problem but I also don't have the best complexion; I have an oily face with dark circles and small under-eye wrinkles, and I hate having so many freckles. And I have chicken legs! I've been trying to work on those at the gym. My teeth are in the process of becoming straight but they'll still be big. I'm probably making myself sound worse than I actually am. I don't think I'm pretty but I also don't think I'm hideous. Oh, there's another thing: I'm kind of nerdy. I don't really look it but I act it sometimes. I'm also kind of gullible though so maybe it counteracts the nerd in me.

Well those ^ are basically all my insecurities. But I think I'm slowly getting better. I'll always have insecurities, I'm only human, but I think I'll care about them a little less eventually.
At least I hope so. Maybe I'll meet a good guy who can accept all those insecurities and I'll realize I'm not so bad. We'll see.

(not sure if I told you about my family drama on my dad's side - it could be a Lifetime TV movie - but that's another story.

Goodnight for now.

With all my insecure love,
Savannah

Still Looking Up
sbeverlyf
Dear LiveJournal,

Today is August 30th and I've been in school for almost a full 3 weeks (on September 7th I will have completed the first month of senior year). Before school started, I decided I want to be a better person. I know most people would think I'm already nice enough but I started (or just noticed) I was having nasty thoughts/opinions about things and it didn't make me feel well. Plus, I don't believe there's such a thing as "too nice". It's actually really hard to try and be super nice and kind-hearted all the time. There's times when I want to say things that are snarky but I sometimes feel like a jerk after saying them; being nice is just so much better feeling! So I'm going to keep working on it until it just becomes natural and I don't have any real mean reflexes left in my brain or body; just good. I want to be helpful, nice, and make people happy. If I can make at least one person smile every day, then I know my day had some significance.

Anyways, school has started and the only class I have trouble in is Calculus. It isn't the teacher's fault; she's really nice and teaches pretty similar to my Pre-Calc teacher from last year. It's just me. I don't think I'm smart enough for it. I got a D on one of my Pre-Calc finals last year and I failed the other one. So it really wasn't a smart move on my part to go into Calculus this year. I just hope I'll be able to switch out before I'm not allowed to. (But I can't see my counselor until after Friday! Oh, the dilemma!

I got lunch with Alyssa yesterday. I had come up with the idea when she texted me last weekend saying that the guy she likes, doesn't like her 'in the way'. Also, her team didn't win the rivalry game, mine did, so (even though it was good for me and my school) she was having a rough weekend. I thought she'd like some cheering up. Although she did ask about him (the guy she likes/liked), she seemed fine. For that, I am glad. I hope all my friends have amazing senior years and are super happy!

I'm getting my blood drawn tomorrow to check if I'm a cystic fibrosis carrier and to see is they can find any sign of what's been wrong with my stomach lately. I'm scared!!

I'm really tired and can't write much more because I've been sick with a cold since last Thursday. I think it's almost gone now but I'm still full of icky mucus and really tired (with an occasional headache). I'll pull through of course!

Hopefully by Monday I will type some more!

Sincerely,
Sick Again, but Still Thinking Positive!

July Eve
sbeverlyf
Dear LiveJournal,

A couple of days ago my mom told me she was proud of me and doesn't mean to be so hard on me about getting a job (tho she hasn't let up). It made me cry. Of course she didn't see or hear; we were in the car, on our way home, at night. (I ninja cried.) Anyway, it took a little bit of the stress away; you know, the stress that's been causing my hair to fall out?!

Oh, I got a haircut speaking of that. I like it, I just wish my hair would go back to being normal/straight. I guess I just have to nourish it back to health. It is so dry! I don't know of any shampoos or conditioners that will help so I've been trying a lot of things.

My sister's birthday was yesterday; she turned 20. She was just trying to read this entry while I was typing but that bothers me so I shooed her away. I'm up in Flagstaff with her until tomorrow (Sunday). I love her, she's a good big sister.

I think after the 4th of July, I'm really going to buckle down on the job hunt. I really do need to get a job before school so I can settle in. I want to do something fun/friend-filled on the 4th so I definitely do not want to work. On the 18th, I have senior registration. I can't remember what day I have my senior photo-shoot. I'll have to ask my mom.

I just got another facebook account the other day. It's really hard adding everyone again. I don't even have 200 friends yet. I can't remember how many I used to have but it was definitely way more than that.

I realize this entry is very random and for that, I apologize.

When I added old 'crushes' and old 'likes' (never had a 'love'), some of the memories came back. I was all girly happy and then realized there was nothing now, and then kind of sad. I know I'll get that boyfriend I want soon, even if he's not THE one. I'm actually pretty excited for senior year. Then again, I was excited for summer and what have I been doing? Barely seeing my friends (they've been gone or busy) and sitting around.

Well...things are getting a little more...I don't know. I just don't think I'm going to be having the peace to keep writing. So goodbye for now.

Sincerely,
Trying to Look Up Again

What Next?
sbeverlyf
Dear LiveJournal,

Let's get caught up on my life. This year was actually pretty amazing. I know my first day of school was pretty awful but once I made friends, everything got better. The first friends I made are great and bring out a good part of me (most of the time); they're also my core group of friends at my new school. They aren't the only people I got to know though. I swear I talked to so many people this year, it's crazy. I didn't really know any freshmen, but I was friends with sophomores, juniors, and seniors. I was actually pretty sad at graduation -my choir sang at it- because I'm really going to miss some seniors.

Now school's been out for almost a month and I guess I'm a senior. Before school ended, my friends and I planned all the things we were going to do. It hasn't really worked out yet. You see, just before finals my father had a court date. He ended up with 5 months in jail allowed with work release. The horrible thing was that they took him away immediately after it had ended; no goodbyes, no nothing. I couldn't take that; it was like a part of me getting ripped away. I went to the bathroom to try and cry in peace but of course my mom comes in to comfort her "baby". I didn't mind, it's nice to be comforted sometimes.

What's worried me most this whole time is what will happen to the kids. At first, Lauren was convinced that she wanted to take them forever and raise them herself. Then she realized she shouldn't have to put her life on hold for her father's mistakes, even though she loves the kids. It isn't fair to her or to her relationship. (She's currently dating Kai; he's a good guy, I think they can make it through the rough times.) So she'll probably take them until December, so they can stay at one school for at least a whole semester before she gives them back to their parents. God, I hope their parents start acting like adults for once in their lives.

My dad posted something on facebook directed at my mother. It was very hurtful and childish. He is so immature sometimes and always seems to be paranoid that my mother is "out to get him". It makes me feel that he isn't even fit to raise my siblings. How can you raise your kids right when you still act like a 15 year old boy? You can't, is always my answer. He sometimes acts responsible and has me thinking he's changed and then pulls some stupid crap again.

And another thing: why is my sister so much more important to him? Don't get me wrong, I love my big sister. She's the only reason I can make it through things like this; because she knows almost exactly how I feel, and if she can make it, so can I. But my dad constantly talks to her, includes her in everything. She's the daughter he -probably always wanted to be a boy but in the long run, also the daughter he- always wanted. And I'm just the second born. The next one he'll look to if he has a problem and she can't help him. I'm only there when she's not, right? The rest of the time it's "Hey, Savannah, have you talked to your sister?" or "Do you know when she's coming back?". Or it's my fault we never talk: "You never call me." or "You never come see me." First off, YOU'RE the parent, YOU call me. I have called you before. Secondly, why would I want to come see you now that you're a criminal? It's kind of embarrassing that you can't control your anger. Get a therapist and then maybe you can tell me why I'm so invisible to you.

My life sounds like I'm some sort of drama queen but no, this is serious life stuff. I'm not freaking out because of my nails. My hair kind of angers me sometimes but that's not anything compared to the real important problems.

Also, my mom is hounding me about getting a job probably because my stepdad is hounding her to. I feel unwelcome in my own home until I get one. I'm really not too worried about not having one until a few weeks before school starts. Maybe I'll care after the first week or two of July. I just want to have fun, it's summer. And no, not that trashy, STD filled fun that some my friends are having. I promised myself I would be a good role model for my siblings; I decided I would not have sex until at least graduation (my older sister wasted almost all four years of highschool to an alcoholic boyfriend that she lost her virginity to) and that I wouldn't end up a party animal hopefully until 21 but at least not until college. I stopped drinking in August, which is something I'm proud of. I'm not proud of doing it in the first place, but as a teenager you get brainwashed and think it's fun and rebellious and everyone pressures you. Don't get me wrong, it's nobody's fault but my own. I could've said no more and been stronger. Drinking isn't so bad if you're just having a drink or celebrating something important. Getting drunk just because you can, however, is disgusting and something I never want to do again. Especially at my young age. I've never told anyone about it except for those who already knew and my sister. I can't get the courage to tell my mom that I'm almost a year sober. I wasn't bad or anyhting but it is against the law, my stepdad enforces the law, and alcoholism seems to run in the family. I don't want the "I'm disappointed" line to happen again, I want the "I'm so proud that you're done with that phase" but the second isn't as realistic...

Maybe if my parents knew how good I really am, they'd be more appreciative they have me as a kid and not some of my friends (friends that aren't as close, but I'm better than even some of my close friends). I am VERY appreciative of my mom and stepdad. My mom raised me and my sister on her own as a registered sex offender or whatever. She should get an award. She shouldn't even be registered as a sex offender in my opinon; yeah, when she was in her early 20s she had an affair with someone under 18 but he knew what he was doing. She didn't rape him, my dad just threw everything way out of proportion (something he apparently has much experience doing) but I guess I won't get into it. What I'm saying is my mom is a great person and an even more wonderful mother. My stepdad's great too. He was helping out our family before they were even married. I'm very grateful and I'm tired of always taking advantage of their money. I just wish they'd let me get a job when I'm really ready; and trust me, I'm almost there.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Sincerely,
The Girl Who is Tired of all the Drama
Tags:

Behind Enemy Lines
sbeverlyf
  Dear Journal!


  So it's my 3rd week of highschool at my new school...if my mind is working right. I've come to realize that the people at my rival school aren't as bad as we made them out to be--okay technically it's not my rival school since I go here now. Everyone is really nice though, and they act just like kids at my old highschool. I don't understand why our schools have such a fued. I bet that if half of them switched schools like I did, they'd understand and it would be friendly competition, not so serious. I guess it's just how rivals act. Too bad.


  The thing I don't understand is: why do we have to talk so much trash. I've seen at least 3-4 Facebook statuses saying something like: "(My school) won't know what hit 'em." Yeah, we will; if we lose it's because we couldn't get a long term coach, so technically if WE win, you guys won't know what hit YOU. & there's this one: "I hate how (my school's) students use the past 20 years of scores to defend themselves." Okay, I understand your frustration. No, most of us weren't in highschool for those games and we shouldn't use them for a comeback. But, my old friends of my old school, you have to understand that the reason my school's students use that comeback is to get you off their backs. They don't want to deal with your drama. Save it for the field! Sound good? Yeah, thought so.


  My friends will probably be angry or disappointed when they hear I'll be sitting on my new side instead of theirs. I just hope they know that I do love them, but my side is concrete and more spacious so...they could sit with me? haha. After the game, my new friends and I will probably have a slumber party. Hopefully I feel better and nothing goes wrong. They seem really cool and I'd like to get to know them better. After all, the best part of switching schools is meeting new people, right? Yeah.


  I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a teenager. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I'm depressed beyond all belief. One day I like a certain guy, the next day I'm on to another. I miss my old friends and want to go back, then I never want to look back. I hate this. I want to find out who I am but it's too hard. I can't give up. I never finish anything I start. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want to stare up at the stars and clear my mind. I want a guy friend to tell all my secrets to. I want somebody to love me but I don't think I'm ready for commitment. I don't know what to do; I confuse myself to the extreme. Somebody HELP!




  And as for boys, I always see a cute guy and think: We would be a cute couple. I bet our kids would be gorgeous. No, wait, does he have blue eyes? My child needs blue eyes! Oh wow, he is SO good looking. Oh my gosh he likes (blank) too?! We have so much in common. I wonder what our first date would be like.
And every time, it's someone different. Okay, I don't think ALL of those, but I think at least one of those lines when I see a cutie. Once, a hot guy walked by me and brushed against my arm and I was like: OMG. He just touched me! But most of the time, the last thing I think is: I wonder what his name is :). I'm hopeless, yes?  


  I don't want to grow up but staying young isn't an option to nonfictional characters, I mean people. So instead, I just wish I had a plan. I wish I knew what I wanted to do and what college I wanted to go to. But I guess it doesn't work that way. Life is crazy and I'm just here for the ride.

Love,
The Girl Who Makes Absolutely No Sense





First Day for a PHS Newbie
sbeverlyf
Dear livejournal(dot)com,

I figure that maybe I should actually treat this like a journal. Not like anyone really reads what I post anyway, so I guess it's JUST like a journal. To anyone who does read this, well enjoy my life I guess.

So today is August 3, 2011; also known as: my first day at my new school (PHS). I hadn't really felt nervous since 3 days before school started. I wasn't even scared yesterday. I'm not sure why, maybe I felt inside like I was supposed to go there; as if it were meant to be or something. Or maybe I'm just a wack-a-doodle...that'd make more sense. Anyway, I woke up this morning at 5:40am so I could shower and get ready and still have a half hour to eat breakfast. Then, mom and I were off! (I would've driven myself but I don't have a car and we still haven't moved into our new house yet, you see,)

When we got about to the school, there was a huge line of cars. I got out in front of the school and found my way to the front of the school through all the unfamiliar faces. Then I saw 4 or 5 lines of students in fron of the entrance; all getting their second/green schedules. So I wait in the correct line for my last name, "F". I finally have my schedule when Lauren--a girl who transfered from my school as well, the only one I know at this new school!--texted me saying she had just got there. We found each other and only had 10 minutes to find our lockers and classes. Lauren picked up books and whatnot from her locker; I didn't have time to look for my locker. Whatever, I thought to myself. It's no big deal. And it really wasn't a big deal.

1st hour: I entered my first period class and told my teacher, Mr. Irish, that I couldn't find my locker to get my book in time. He didn't seem to really care at all. He told me that the janitor could help me (but it was obviously to late to find one). Then he asked if I had my green schedule, so I showed him and sat down. I looked around and saw a poster for "The Beatles". Nice! I love the Beatles. Then Mr. Irish passes out some papers and starts lecturing us on how he's going to teach. "Don't call me by my first name, we aren't friends," he says. He talks about syllabus. "I have failed students that I really liked and passed students that I haven't liked. And vice versa. So if I fail you, it's not because I don't like you." Blah, blah, blah. It was actually a really good lecture, I just can't remember all the correct words and phrases. He talked about how he is going to treat us like adults. When we're older, he said, not all the answers are going to be handed to us. We have to learn things for ourselves. That's how he's going to teach us. If we don't like it...too bad, we can do the class online.
2nd hour: After asking two people, I find out how to get to the choir room. I walk inside and sit at the very top of the built in risers/stairs. I sit next to a seat that a girl had her binder on. Another girl and her friends sit beside me. The girl talked to me. She said Hi and that I was pretty. I try, I thought, but I actually said thank you. "Are you knew?" Yes, I answered. "Are you a...junior?" Yup, I replied and showed her my I.D. that we all have to wear around our necks. "So where'd you come from?" Just from Bradshaw. "oh, really? One of my best friends transfered over there this year." That was the end of our conversation because the choir director began taking role and talking about his class. I then realized that the other girl's binder had turned into a boy wearing a football uniform. She must've been saving him a seat. The choir director played a silly warmup song that pretty much everyone but me knew. Then he had us sing with numbers instead of solfege, which I had never done before. I looked around the room and saw another "Beatles" poster. This is my kind of school.
3rd hour: My Japanese class. Not much happened in there but the teacher is delightful. He's just really funny and put me at ease. I didn't really talk to anyone but it was still fun. I realized that I need to freshen up on the language though!
4th hour: Lunch = not fun. :/ I had talked to people in my classes, but hadn't actually made friends. So I had nobody to sit with. I was a loner. Every time some one came up to me, I smiled on the inside hoping they'd ask to sit with me. But a boy came up, and then another, and another. And you know what they did? Within 3 minutes of each other, one by one, they'd come up to my table and ask, "Are you using this chair?" No, I'd say to them, disappointed. And they'd take a chair and walk away. What the hell happened to chivalry? I actually made an effort to talk to somebody too. I got up and walked to another girl, in an oversized jacket, and asked why she was sitting alone. "Because I like to be alone," she answered. That was a good enough hint for me. I left her alone and went outside because I wanted some air. Again, I sat alone at a table. Eventually, I felt so pathetic I prayed for God to send a hot guy to come talk to me. I got the "lunch is over bell" instead. That works too.
5th hour: Oh chemistry, how difficult are thee? Appartently chemisrty is going to be a tough class. But the teacher seems really nice and his ceiling is covered in paintings. We got a lot of papers and homework that's due Friday. Ickk (I already did it when I got to mom's work!)
6th hour: I found Pre-Calc. Another tough class. The teacher, my only female teacher, was pretty excited about how hard the class was going to be. I was thinking, Eff my life! D: But it'll be okay.
7th hour: My very last class. Mr. Kosco seems like an interesting, humerous guy. And I swear, I had at least 1 football player in each class. Anyway, this class was fun (even full of sophomores) because we didn't go over anything. Everyone went around the room introducing themselves and saying what they like and don't like. I said something stupid like, "I'm Savannah. I like movies and I hate living so far from the beach" or something. And in return, I got a "Hi Savannah" like everyone did. (kind of like an AA meeting haha). That was a nice way to end the day.

So, finally I get out of the building and await a text from my mother, telling me she's there. "Savannah?" I hear some kid say. I look and see one of the football players from my Japanese class. I felt kind of happy someone already knew my name but felt bad for not knowing his. "Did we have to turn anything in for Japanese?" Umm, no I don't think so, I reply. "Oh... So are you a sophomore..?" Junior, actually, I smile. "Oh a Junior?" Don't act so surprised, sheesh, I think to myself. Then I run through the rain and hop in the car to go back to work with mom.

DAY 1: SURVIVED.

(But for some reason, I keep having these day dreams. They're about this guy I met freshman year at my old school. I have only seen him once at a Bar & Grill (BWW). I keep thinking that maybe I should talk to him. I need someone to help me out! But I can't even remember what he looks like. I just know his name. Maybe it's not such a good idea. What up with the day dreams?! Have I been subconsciously crushing on this kid since freshman year? No. I don't think so. Doesn't make any sense. Whatever. Just have to survive tomorrow. Then Friday. Then the weeked. <3 Hoorah!)

Love,
The Alone & Confused Girl with Hope


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